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Nihad Abbasov 4e6e9d8118
Merge pull request #190 from Witcher01/master
1 week ago
CSharp Added Hangover.cs and implementation 4 years ago
R added hangout.R, improved smack-my-bitch-up.R 4 years ago
clojure Clojure implementation (#174) 1 year ago
coffee Removed parenthesis 4 years ago
go ported fucking-coffee script to golang (#163) 7 months ago
groovy Added a groovy version of fucking_coffee 4 years ago
java code cleanup 3 months ago
kotlin 🌟 Added kotlin 1 year ago
nodejs NodeJS for fucking_coffee to trigger using Yo. 4 years ago
perl Update kumar-asshole.pl 4 years ago
php Created "smack_my_bitch_up" in php 4 years ago
powershell Update fucking_coffee.psm1 4 years ago
python Fixed Delay Typo's in fucking_coffee.py (#187) 5 months ago
python3 Fixed Delay Typo's in fucking_coffee.py (#187) 5 months ago
scala Run script from bash 4 years ago
.env.example initial commit 4 years ago
README.md add simplified chinese README 6 months ago
README.zh-CN.md add simplified chinese README 6 months ago
fucking-coffee.sh add remaining scripts 4 years ago
fucking_coffee.rb Update cron job to be executed on weekdays only 4 years ago
hangover.rb Update cron job to be executed on weekdays only 4 years ago
hangover.sh Update cron job to be executed on weekdays only 4 years ago
kumar-asshole.sh add remaining scripts 4 years ago
kumar_asshole.rb fixed issue with gmail, kumars_email variable scope 4 years ago
smack-my-bitch-up.sh Update cron job to be executed on weekdays only 4 years ago
smack_my_bitch_up.rb Merge pull request #50 from Goldenson/patch-2 4 years ago

README.md

English | 简体中文

Hacker Scripts

Based on a true story:

xxx: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something - anything - requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that.

xxx: So we’re sitting here, looking through his, uhm, “legacy”

xxx: You’re gonna love this

xxx: smack-my-bitch-up.sh - sends a text message “late at work” to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login.

xxx: kumar-asshole.sh - scans the inbox for emails from “Kumar” (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like “help”, “trouble”, “sorry” etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply “no worries mate, be careful next time”.

xxx: hangover.sh - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like “not feeling well/gonna work from home” etc. Adds a random “reason” from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am.

xxx: (and the oscar goes to) fucking-coffee.sh - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens a telnet session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has a TCP socket up and running) and sends something like sys brew. Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits another 24 (!) seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk.

xxx: holy sh*t I’m keeping those

Original: http://bash.im/quote/436725 (in Russian)
Pull requests with other implementations (Python, Perl, Shell, etc) are welcome.

Usage

You need these environment variables:

# used in `smack-my-bitch-up` and `hangover` scripts
TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID=ACxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
TWILIO_AUTH_TOKEN=yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

# used in `kumar_asshole` script
GMAIL_USERNAME=admin@example.org
GMAIL_PASSWORD=password

For Ruby scripts you need to install gems: gem install dotenv twilio-ruby gmail

Cron jobs

# Runs `smack-my-bitch-up.sh` monday to friday at 9:20 pm.
20 21 * * 1-5 /path/to/scripts/smack-my-bitch-up.sh >> /path/to/smack-my-bitch-up.log 2>&1

# Runs `hangover.sh` monday to friday at 8:45 am.
45 8 * * 1-5 /path/to/scripts/hangover.sh >> /path/to/hangover.log 2>&1

# Runs `kumar-asshole.sh` every 10 minutes.
*/10 * * * * /path/to/scripts/kumar-asshole.sh

# Runs `fucking-coffee.sh` hourly from 9am to 6pm on weekdays.
0 9-18 * * 1-5 /path/to/scripts/fucking-coffee.sh

Code is released under WTFPL.